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12 January 2010 @ 10:18 pm
 I am coming to the conscious realization that these constant headaches are not my fault, because my stress levels, even with exams this week, have not been more elevated than normal. Plus they have lasted since late November, which is probably too long. I really have been thinking the worst, what if something is really wrong and what if what I am feeling is an abnormal mass of cells wandering about my brain? Sometimes it feels like my corpus callosum is on fire, other times an ice pick or knife is going through my temple. Yesterday it felt like there was a rubber band stretching from my eyes to the bottom of my skull. 

Anxiety hasn't been its worst lately, but that might be because I don't talk to anyone at school and when I come home I generally stay in my room. I have been antsy about emailing my driving instructor back after a few days without responding to him, so then two weeks later as I was calming myself down to talk to him about it, he emailed me and now my last two drives are scheduled but I'm still thinking about what I am going to say when he asks about why I didn't respond. "Can we not talk about that? I might crash." 

I had three nightmares the other night, two of which were in the same setting, because I woke up in the middle of the first one, got up, went back to bed, and then tried to bring up the same dreamscape to heighten my chances of a lucid dream. It didn't work, but I think part of me knew it wasn't real, because I wasn't that scared. All three had fleeting moments of beauty in people, something that feels like the sun/film/shoes on warm pavement dream (I have been thinking about a lot and really miss), which is always nice to have in a dream but leave me awake wishing I could sleep foreverrrrr.

Good news though, there is a precious boy who is actually precious and we were talking and I kind of like him but it is weird because he used to date Kelsie but now I'm like omg I used to think you were funny and now I think you're sweet and I like the music you make but for now we will just talk about grammar and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, okay? But its weird, I feel like a weirdo, I was looking at Urban Outfitters stuff yesterday, dreaming about floral oxfords, and then I went to look at the men's section and then I saw lol he wore those lime plimsolls yesterday! And then I felt creepy because I saw his shoes and liked them ): But whatever.
 
 
31 December 2009 @ 01:19 pm
feeling mostly kind of ______
 
 
05 November 2009 @ 08:00 pm
 Today all of the psychology and IB psychology students got to skip 6th period and go to a hypnotism presentation! It was completely fantastic and afterwards I felt so good, I was walking down the hall with 0% anxiety and 100% confidence, phew so that felt good. 

So that feeling lasted quite a while until I tried studying for math and I became extremely frustrated as I always do when somebody comes into the office while I am working in peace. I think I have been very manic the past few months. It worries me but I think that in a way it is comforting but I don't know how. Even if i did figure out why it might feel that way, I don't want to feel this way or something. I know that I am a very happy person! I've been thinking about asking my psych teacher about this? Because I know that in the past I have tried to tell my parent about what is going on in my brain, but all I have done is tell my dad about synesthesia, and that isn't something that interrupts my life. I am thinking about taping "How to Care for an Introvert" to the chalkboard or something. In a perfect world everyone would follow those rules! 

I hung six paper balloons in different colors above where I will put my bed once I get around to reorganizing. It will be wonderful because they move a lot from my fans and right below them on the wall is an Animal Collective newspaper clipping/page that I looove. I have been spending a lot of time in my Schlafzimmer lately. 
 
 
20 October 2009 @ 10:59 pm
 
 
 
 ok monday afternoon bella and sydney kidnapped me or whatever and we went to the dublin arts council (it was closed), and then we found kris and ben on their bikes in a weird neighborbood after sydney was stopped in the right hand turning lane, and she said, "are those people turning?" while watching the 20 cars drive through the intersection from the left turning lane, and then no one knows why, but she turned before they were even done! so that was scary, and when we stopped at the next intersection, a guy with a beard in a gold truck rolled down his window and said dumbass! and bella was in the front so she stuck her head out the window and said thank you! in a really polite way. so yes after we said bye to kris and ben we went to the mall because sydney needs a job and so do i and so does bella but anyways we went to a few places and everyone was really nice and gave us applications, and then we went into h&m to see if we could get some but the girl at the counter said "no we arent hiring plus you have to be over 18... oh by the way girls, when you come in for an application never bring other applications, it makes you look desperate, like youre just looking for a job" before we even finished answering in a really snooty way and we were like LOL WE ARE JUST LOOKING FOR A JOB w/e she was like 4 years older than us lol cool. 
so anyways this is the part where i start bawwing because after that we went to starbucks and tada kris and ben were there too! lala bella bought me apple juice and i drank her water and brought it out to the parking lot because we were leaving i think. i finished the water and i tried to give it to kris who was on his bike and i tried to stick it in his little bike pouch basket thingy whatever and he kept scooting away so i chased him and i was wearing my happy shoes which are the shoes that i always fall and get hurt in, because the bottoms are shiny or something and they should not be run in! anyways i dont know what happened really but i fell backwards and landed right on my bent elbow. there is a few scrapes and pavement burn or whatever and a big bruise all around it. right now it is light blue. it really hurts baw. also my hip hurts and so does my neck. my mom wants to take me to the hospital tonight. bawww the end
 
 
 
24 August 2009 @ 04:59 pm
 i got my hair cut a few hours ago and i am disappointed. i want my hair back, this is why i always do it myself. the girl  was talking the whole time which is something i do not like, and she made it all muffin-y at the top so it looked like a fuckin grown out high n tight... i asked her to thin it out and she did but looking at it after, i would like it a little less still. the sides are too short and i am just complaining but i feel stupid. school starts tomorrow and i am pulling on my hair and wishing that would make it grow faster.
i bought hair dye so now my hair is a bit darker than usual, so it makes me feel a little better about the cut. its alright its alright. hair grows back even after youre dead.

now we just got back from the restaurant that my brother works at, he served us heh and we met his probably new girlfriend which i wasnt to happy about because he said she was who he is always going out with, and he just broke up with his amazing girlfriend of like 6 years ):
now i am watching amazingphil and i am going to go organize stuff for the first day of school and tire myself out with a big cleaning of my room!
meow

also ps b_ll_ is being so weird she like isnt texting me at all, i cant even remember what i did to cause that, and then she updates her fb status like every five minutes "best night" "omg so fun" "haha love you guys" or whatever and then stuff like "i dont get why people are mean to me" or something along those lines, i cant really remember because she deletes them like a hour after. w/e i occasionally set mine as "fun night" or whatever even if its not true but w/e i dont care, i usually have better nights in the end when i am alone. wwww//eeee
 
 
17 August 2009 @ 01:12 pm
EXCUSE MY FACE THOUGH

i made this pouch just now! ehahehehaheheahhe it is striped. i tried to add a little tab on one end so that i could open it without smushing it but my needle snapped into four pieces because it was trying to go through like 8 layers of fabric plus some zipper tape. but w/e i am excited to use this, my staedlaters are the exact length of the pouch, which kinda sucks because they don't make a very loud happy jangling noise when i shake it! eheh i am going to go pick up my schedule and get my picture taken for school in 46 minutes. also i got my temps two days ago and i drove home from the grocery store it was terrifying
 
 
12 August 2009 @ 08:34 am
 i didnt see any meteors last night, i fell asleep at 2. really disappointed. i was really looking forward to it, i went out at midnight and stayed until 1, the best viewing time was 4-5 but it was nice for star gazing i guess, once the clouds moved over the moon, but the neighbors always leave their carriage lights on. i went in and planned on going back out at 3:30 but that never happened.
i bought some fish a few days ago 
also yesterday one of the stray cats on my street let me hold him and pet him and feed him out of my hand
going for a run

 
 
24 July 2009 @ 07:37 pm
today i picked my first tomato. it started turning orange and then red a few days ago and i have checked on it so many times just waiting for it and finally tonight i felt like it was time! it broke perfectly from its little knee and was perfectly squishy and it tasted perfectly too. upon cutting it i scooped out lots of seeds and put them in water to germinate! this tomato didn't come from any of the four tomato plants i grew after taking the seeds from a tomato and germinating them in biology class. i am very excited for those to ripen.
DSC_0026

my strawberries aren't doing too well but i have harvested many marigold seeds and have planted a small portion in various places. the string beans are almost ready to be picked and i have counted one zucchini on the plant that is about five or six inches long. soon i want to plant cucumber and pumpkins. also maybe peppers and radishes.
 
 
15 July 2009 @ 03:06 am

no words other than 'i am feeling estatic'
a jog sounds so good right now
i wonder if i will sleep
i love magic

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